I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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