someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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