I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
