she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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