I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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