she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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