I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
