Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
