Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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