a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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