I'm going to jail i love you
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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