Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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