So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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