I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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