The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
