no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
