I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
