sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
