Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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