Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Randomize
