After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
