There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
