My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
