I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
