You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
