Kareoke will never be a sober sport
My underwear smells like fireworks.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize