Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I want to be your penis for a week.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
