im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Sext me about skeletons
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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