Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
