remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
