ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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