you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
