you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
