I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
