Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
