This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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