Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
