There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
