life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
