i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize