hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
