if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
