you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
