I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
