that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
