sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
