my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
