i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
