your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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