Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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