DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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