I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
