a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
