I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
