Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
