Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
