Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
