so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
