i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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