I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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